Moving.

I feel like I'm always apologizing to you, my handful of readers, that I've decided to move to yet another blog. Sorry. Again. It's a sickness I have, I'm sure.

If you've decided to not hate me entirely, you can check out my new blog here: http://sellessteen.wordpress.com

Sorry, again. Again.

2011 reading list.

Last year, I compiled a reading list that I had hoped would become a new, annual tradition of mine, inspired by a friend of mine. The list was comprised of 20 books, picked and chosen from Oprah's Book Club and the New York Times' Best-Seller list. Needless to say, I had failed due to x-amount of excuses, school readings being the main excuse; out of the 20 books, to-date I have only read four, including Paulo Coelho's The Alchemist which I finished yesterday. Hi, my name is Celestine, and I fail at accomplishing relatively easy goals.

So today I am making an attempt to finish my 2010 reading list. I definitely don't want to rush through the list, because I have learned to appreciate and engage in active reading, being able to absorb the information I've read rather than zipping through the readings and being left with little account of what happened, ie. reading Harry Potter books in one sitting and watching the movies thinking, "Wait, that happened?!" On the other hand, although I don't want to zip through the reading list, I also don't want to be sitting here a year later thinking, "WTF- how did I only read two books from that list in a year?!"

I used to love leisurely reading, so here's to trying to get back on that horse. AND I finally get to make use of the Nook I received last September...

2011 reading list, originally compiled in 2010:

• Veronika Decides to Die by Paulo Coelho
• Both Ways Is the Only Way I Want It by Maile Meloy
• Chronic City by Jonathan Lethem
• A Gate at the Stairs by Lorrie Moore
• Half Broke Horses: A True-life Novel by Jeannette Walls
• A Short History of Women by Kate Walbert
• Eat, Pray, Love by Elizabeth Gilbert
• A Million Little Pieces by James Frey
• The Story of Edgar Sawtelle by David Wroblewski
• The Pillars of the Earth by Ken Follett
• The Road by Cormac McCarthy
• Night by Elie Wiesel

There are five more books that I've decided to not include in the 2011 list from the 2010 list, mostly because I think challenging myself to 12 books for the rest of the year will suffice for now.

"we're adults now."

July has been quite the month.

Three weeks ago, Stephen and I were left alone in our two bedroom, one bath apartment. With the exception of the second bedroom, which we are attempting to utilize as a study room, we are unpacked and settled in. Hooray!

This has technically been my first time living on my own. Okay- not really on my own because I am living with Stephen. And there was also 2006 when I lived in Long Beach for a semester with my two cousins; however, this experience has definitely been different from that experience. And although I am living with Stephen, I'm still not used to being so far away from my parents. So here are a few things about living away from home that I have learned so far:

• I understand why my mom was ALWAYS cleaning. I'm not exactly sure what it is we do throughout the day to make our living space so cluttered, but I feel like I have to clean up after ourselves every single day. I'm thinking of secretly filming us one day to document exactly when we go from tidy to unkempt.
• Things are EXPENSIVE- food, cleaning products, furniture, cable & internet, electricity, etc.
• One nice way to save money is to thrift furniture and look into making your own cleaning products or bug repellents
• Coffee is my best friend, especially to help me get through the days of infinite cleaning.
• Waking up at noon is no longer pleasurable, mostly because I am always thinking about cleaning and what miscellaneous errands need to be done....
• I miss being with my family, A LOT. Thank goodness for unlimited phone calls and Skype.

I thought I was gonna be able to add more things to the list, but I haven't had enough coffee yet.

On the brighter side, tomorrow Stephen and I will be heading out to Vegas. One weekend in Vegas, a couple days helping my parents move, and then we will be driving cross-country to Washington, D.C.

Which also reminds me that I need to get back to doing laundry. Oye, with the cleaning!

the last lonely first.

For two and a half years, we've done something that a lot of people admit they could never do: we persevered through our long-distance relationship. Of course there were times when I couldn't stand being away from you for so long, only being able to spend one weekend with you every month. There were times when my day would pull me through hell and back again, and the only thing that could possibly make me feel better was your comfort and embrace, but I had to settle for seing your face on my 13 inch computer screen. There were places that I went and things that I've done with my time that would have been better if I had you for company. There were lonely days without you, lonely nights that I wanted to spend with you.

Yet through all the loneliness that was brought onto us because of the distance and the miles that separated us, it didn't hinder our growing love for one another. It made me cherish the moments that we did have together a little bit more. It made me more determined to do good in school, to throw myself into my work so that our future could be a little better (and so that I would preoccupy myself with busy work so I wouldn't miss you even more). It made me stronger knowing that I wouldn't have constant emotional breakdowns without you. It helped me realize that if we could survive through these long two years we could make it through virtually anything.

And now, in just two days, we'll no longer be separated by 300 miles. We'll no longer have to spend our monthsaries separately, only being able to express our love for one another through a telephone call or virtual face time.

Living together may not be easy; I know we're bound to bump heads along the way, but that's okay because I know we'll always work things out before the day is done. And now we'll be able to really work on our relationship together, face-to-face, comforting one another after everything is said and done. And I no longer have to ease my loneliness (or make it worse) by listening to Brandy's "Long Distance," not that I always do that or anything.......


So here's to the past two and a half years, and here's to forever.

sleepless soul-searching in sin city.

It is almost 4:30 in the morning, and I find myself wide awake. This case of insomnia was triggered by hunger and having to pee really, really bad, and also because I was heavily contemplating my future before I tried sleeping nearly 4 hours ago. Note to self: Stop trying to plan the future before bedtime!

This sudden need to have a self-discussion regarding life was brought on by Monday's visit to Fresno State for Dog Days, the new student orientation. Pre Dog Day, I was set on changing my major from Women's Studies to Liberal Studies so that I can become an elementary teacher after graduating; then after a couple years of teaching here in the U.S., I wanted to become a DoDDS teacher and live happily ever after back in Yokosuka with Stephen and our little family. Post Dog Day? The elementary teaching ship has sailed, and I want to explore the vast career options that a degree in Women's Studies can open up. Exactly how many doors will a Women's Studies degree open up? Too many for my insatiable head to simply choose just one. And unfortunately, the Women's Studies adviser was unable to be there during Dog Days, so all the questions that are currently flooding my head won't be answered until I move to Fresno- and that's in 4 days!

As I have continuously bitched and moaned to Stephen- poor guy- I am the worst person to have fallen in love with such a broad-ranged major. I will say that I have narrowed my interests to 3 categories: education, social work, and public policy. I still want to teach, but I'd rather save teaching for later; after I'm finished with whatever primary career I choose, I want to teach at a college or university and hopefully passionately inspire someone to consider entering the realm of Women's Studies, the same way my teachers have done. But before that? Social work or public policy. I'm still unsure of which path to take, but that's what my time at Fresno State is for, right? I've also started looking at grad schools and internships, and all the possibilities have rekindled my love for Women's Studies.

Although my head is currently soaring through the clouds of the future, I have remember to keep my feet planted in the here-and-now.

First the move. Then Fall 2011. One step at a time.

I will end this post by saying that I'm grateful for attending Dog Days. My last semester at CSN- along with these past couple of months- really whooped my ass, and I was beginning to lose focus and determination. But after going to Dog Days, after listening to the speeches made by advisers, orientation leaders, and the Assistant Dean of the College of Social Sciences, I have been reconnected with perseverance.

And maybe now I can try getting some sleep.

the power of one.

The fear of being lonely is such a powerful thing. It causes people to behave irrationally, to naively stay in an abusive relationship, whether that abuse is emotional and/or physical. Sometimes it'll even drive the people involved in a dysfunctional relationship to fix their problems by getting married and/or having a baby together. Sure, it may temporarily bond the two of you back together, artificially. But when you take a moment to dissect the situation, you'll realize that the insides are still deeply wounded and bruised.

So what next? Maybe you'll have another kid. Maybe you'll drown yourself underneath the facade that everything is fine and dandy. Maybe you'll find an outlet for your emotional desperation with someone else, even though you're still in your unhappy relationship.

You'll probably try shrugging the situation off by claiming that you two are better now, that you've worked out your issues and are head-over-heels in love again like before. And, again, maybe everything is better and back to normal. For now. And then the curtains are drawn back and you realize that shit hit the fan a long, long time ago.

But will you leave? Probably not. Because the fear of being lonely is such a powerful thing.

dreams don't keep the lights on.

If someone had asked me three years ago what my type was, I would've grinned and coyly replied that I didn't have one. Although I may not have had a single type per se, I definitely gravitated to a certain demographic. Then when Stephen and I started dating, a lot of people were caught off-guard because I appeared to have stepped outside of my cliché dating box. And yenno what? Praise Ganesha for that!

Aside from the physical traits that my type possessed pre-Stephen, in essence they all shared one common thing: they lacked goals. Sure they had big dreams of doing this, that, and this, but they weren't trying to manifest their dreams into a tangible reality. Most of them weren't going to school and were hustling in low-end jobs that they absolutely hated. And their dreams? They wanted the money, the cars, and the clothes, and I suppose the hoes. They wanted to live the cliché ideal good life, but they didn't wanna put in any work. They wanted to wife up a real good girl eventually, but in the meantime they were content with fooling around with a handful of sloppy broads. There was no future with any of them because they were too busy fucking around with the present.

At the time it didn't really matter to me because I also didn't know what I wanted to do with my life. But when I finally found myself and found direction in my life, I stopped wasting my time with dudes who were running around aimlessly.

I want a salary and a mortgage. I want a family. I want to be able to feed my family. I want to be able to afford most of the things my kids want. I want to live comfortably. And none of those things were going to be possible if I was head-over-heels with someone who was content with working at KFC with just a GED to his name.

Like Abi from Girls are the New Boys has repeatedly said, there is nothing sexier than someone who dreams big and is also working hard to achieve those dreams.

sensual eating.

When I was younger, I used to not eat; and if I was eating, it's because I was stuffing my face with candy. Not only did I end up having more cavities than I'd like to admit, I was pretty unhealthy now that I look back on it. Fast forward to 2003 when my family and I moved to Vegas, I discovered the joys of eating and had eaten anything and everything. A little better than my semi-anorexia, but still unhealthy. Now that I'm a little older and a little more wiser, I've found the joy in eating appropriate portions of food that not only taste good but are good for me.

And then my staycation happened, and every meal during this past weekend left me feeling horrible and extremely tired. After feeling tired of feeling tired after every meal, I decided to try what I like to call "sensual eating." Yesterday morning, my parents and I had brunch at Brio. Since I decided to get back to my flexitarian diet, I ordered the spinach and portobello mushroom strata with a side of fresh, spring green salad. All the ingredients were healthy, so that made me feel good about my choice. While eating, I felt the need to really enjoy what I was eating. I don't know about you, but so often do I just fork my food into my mouth without really enjoying it. Even though you know the food tastes good, how often do think about each taste while you're eating? Well that's what I decided to do. I pretended to be Giada De Laurentiis, having foodgasms with each bite, or like Remy from Ratatouille when he's eating the cheese and grapes and imagining fireworks and music. I don't know if it was the food itself or my sensual eating, but I didn't feel the slightest bit of remorse or exhaustion when I was done eating, and I ate the entire thing.

Every meal after that, I put my sensual eating theory to work, and each meal thus far has been extremely delicious and pleasantly satisfying. It's nice to not have a case of the itis nor not feel the need to unbutton your pants after every meal.

staycation.

When school let out a month ago, I thought to myself, "Finally! A much needed break with a bunch of free time to do absolutely NOTHING." That has definitely not been the case. From packing up the bunch of crap my family has accumulated throughout 8 years, to going out of town almost every weekend, to running petty errands every day- I think I had more free time while the semester was still in session.

But ever since Thursday night, I have finally been able to enjoy my summer. My parents received a comped room at the Bellagio and I am basking in my staycation. As a Vegas resident for nearly 8 years, I tend to stay away from The Strip at all costs unless visitors are in town, but acting like a tourist this weekend has been good to my soul. I'm also enjoying it more with the knowledge that after Sunday all the madness will begin. But until then, c'est la vie.

Workin' so hard every night and day, now we get the payback.

one plus one - beyoncé.

I haven't really watched American Idol since the first season, but I'm so glad I watched the finale of this season. TLC plus Beyoncé?? Yum. And I'm so in love with Beyoncé's new song that she performed, that I had to find a video for it on YouTube AND download the track on iTunes.

Oh, and now that school's over, I promise promise promise to stop neglecting my blog. Promise.

price tag - jessie j

I've had this song stuck in my had for the past week lol.

We'll pay 'em with love tonight

someone like you - adele.

I'm up unusually early this Sunday morning, so let me crank up some Adele while I clean and prep for the rest of the day.

G'moanin!

simple song - the procussions.

I found peace in the vision of love, and yo it sounds like la la, la, la la la

my ideal wedding, part 1.

One of my favorite websites to browse through is Offbeat Bride, a blog devoted to authentic weddings loaded with couples' personalities; I can't remember how I came about this website, but I have definitely fallen in love with it ever since. I love the idea of opting out of a conventional, traditional wedding to have something more personal, and although I don't plan on getting married until after college, I am always storing inspiration in my wedding folder on my desktop.

I could probably ramble on forever about my ideal wedding, so instead of throwing everything into one massive post, I'll separate it into parts. How many? That's to be determined. This may even turn out to be an ongoing thing on my blog. Yes- I like to talk about and dream up my ideal wedding A LOT.

Location, location, locationI've always wanted a beach wedding, mostly because I could walk barefoot down the makeshift aisle and I can wear a cute dress that went to my knees. Boracay is my ideal, especially if money wasn't an issue, enabling everyone to fly out to the ceremony.

Boracay

Jamaica

"Lovers' Beach" in Cabo San Lucas- *Ding!

Another ideal place I would want to be married- and this one is a recent idea, particularly with Stephen in mind- is in Yokosuka when the cherry blossoms have bloomed. This idea came about because I was thinking that it would be nice to be married somewhere that's relevant to Stephen and I and our relationship together. We met in Yokosuka, so it seems like it would be a beautiful place to have our wedding. Again, this was if money wasn't an issue for ourselves, our family, and our friends.

This isn't in Yokosuka, but you get the idea

The only other place I've ever really considered would be where one of our parents got married. Stephen can only tell me that his parents got married somewhere in the Philippines, and my parents got married right here in Vegas, baby. Yes, Vegas, baby! The Little White Chapel to be exact, those crazy kids.

I thought I'd be able to come up with more places, but I blame my lack of location imagination on the fact that I've always dreamed of having my wedding on a beach. But now that I think about it more, I really like the idea of getting married somewhere that's significant to Stephen and I; although flying out to Japan is too cost-worthy, maybe we'll be able to come up with more memorable places as the years go by.

Please make memories on a beach, please make memories on a beach.

i love the eagles.

If I could pick a theme song to depict my childhood, it would have to be a song from the Best of the Eagles tape. My dad was a huge fan, so it was almost all we'd listen to every single day. So because school and packing is consuming my life, I have to leave you all with yet another "mood music" post. I have a lot of drafts sitting here, so I promise I'll get to them eventually.

oldie, but goodie.

So instead of trying to trudge steadfast through my writer's block for an assignment that's due tomorrow, I decided to take a stroll through the past. I've read through old accounts, old flings, old feelings. It's so therapeutic to rummage through the past with hindsight, especially when I come across old rage, despair, and confusion. It makes me appreciate my present more than I already do- and trust me, I couldn't even begin to describe how appreciative and grateful I am.

With all of that said and done, I've decided to post something I wrote 2 years ago. It's pretty self-explanatory, but I would like to say that I still feel the exact same now as I did then: vindictively blessed.

It hurts my soul when one of the few good men left fails to see his own worth.

How can you seek out responsibility for being the victim? Have you been damaged so severely that being the crutches for someone who can walk perfectly comes second nature to you? Why do you believe that you should be burdened with blame when you were caught in the crossfire of a crazy bitch and her unstable mind?

You don't have to prove how good of a boyfriend you are, because I already knew from day one. And I don't mean day one when we started dating a couple months ago. I mean day one, the very first time I felt an attraction towards you 6 years ago. I never once saw you in whatever tainted light the majority seemed to have cast on you. You're not an asshole for telling it like it is. You're not intimidating, you're inviting. You're not apathetic, you're passionate. You're not evil, you're so good, especially to me.

I resent your pathetic, no good ex-girlfriends who were so quick to hurt you with no remorse, because hurting you in the slightest bit has bruised my soul. However, I'm glad that they decided to throw you to the curb, because I get the pleasure in proving them wrong. While they sift through every single dude that treats them like another notch in his belt, I get to unbuckle yours. While they're beating themselves up throughout another sleepless night, I'll be sleeping in your arms. And when they finally realize that they should be crawling back to you in agony, I'll be looking at you from across the aisle, knowing that I'll be steadily walking towards my future with a good man.

spend my life with you.

And baby, I'll never find any words that can explain just how much my life, my heart, my soul you've changed. The first is for lovers ♥

ain't no way, cover - glee.

I know that Amber Riley (Glee name: Mercedes Jones) is no Aretha Franklin, but I cried when she sang this song on Tuesday's episode.

stay with you.

And in the end I know that we'll find love so beautiful and divine
We'll be lovers for a lifetime


In my response to the short film Strangers, Again by Wong Fu Productions, I mentioned how there's no such thing as the perfect partner and the perfect relationship. If you keep searching for perfection, for your uber special unicorn, you'll either be alone in your lifelong search or you'll end up staying in an unhappy relationship. As beautiful as it is to dream of perfection, to pray and hope to find a utopian love, there is no such thing.

There'll be heartaches and pain because real love takes work. Maybe you'll fight and argue about little things, like where to send your unborn children to school or how you wish he'd let you buy five Yorkshire Terriers. Maybe you'll fight about issues that delve deeper into your insecurities, like how he can be good friends with his ex or how she doesn't mind going out to the club with her cousins once in a while. Maybe you'll wanna lock yourself in the closet underneath the stairs because he was out playing three rounds of golf instead of one. Maybe you'll wish she got laryngitis so that you wouldn't have to hear her bitch and moan about every little thing. Maybe you'll be separated by a couple hundred miles for days, weeks, months, years, and it'll eat your heart from the inside out because all you wanna do is hold him and smell his chest because of all those silly little annoyances.

People don't make it to 30 years without any arguments or disagreements. People make it to 30 years because they worked through those arguments and disagreements in a healthy way. Sometimes you won't want to speak to him so that you won't go fucking irate on his ass, and sometimes you'll wonder why the hell she blew up on you for something so stupid. But when everything is all said and done, once you've tucked your horns back into your head, you realize that all the petty nuisances don't change the fact that you want to spend the rest of your life with this person. Because although he or she may not be perfect, you know your relationship, your lifelong partnership is worth working for. A perfect love exists when you're willing to acknowledge and work through all the slight imperfections.

I will stay with you through the ups and the downs
I will stay with you when no one else is around
And when the dark clouds arise, I will stay by your side

spring asparagus and broccoli soup.

So many reasons to love Spring. Springtime is a great time for everyone to do some spring cleaning, physically, mentally, and spiritually. It's the perfect time where the weather's not blistering cold nor scorchingly hot. And it's the time where some amazing fruits and vegetables are in season. The latter I didn't discover nor appreciate until recently, and I'm so glad that I did.

Did you know asparagus is in season from April to approximately June? Did you know it's loaded with vitamins B, A, C, E, and K? Calcium, magnesium, and zinc? Do you even know why that's amazing that all these things are jam-packed into asparagus? Did you know that there's an annual festival in Stockton dedicated to asparagus?!

I used to not know, and I used to not care. I'll admit that every now and then I would get excited when my mom would feed me steamed asparagus with soy sauce and mayonnaise (what- your mom never did that for you?), but I didn't know there were virtually hundreds of different ways you could cook and serve asparagus. And then I started reading food blogs, being conscious of what I was eating, and getting excited about cooking my own meals.

Before I start breaking out into song about all the reasons I love asparagus, let's get onto why I love this recipe.

1. It's extremely easy.
2. Because all you do (pretty much) is let it do its thang in the pot, you can cook other things at the same time, ie. a main course or dessert.
3. For people that don't really like asparagus (Stephen, for example), you can barely taste the asparagus, so those non-asparagus-fanatics will be coming back for seconds or fifths.

Pretty amazing, right? Oh, and it smells orgasmic while it's cooking. That's always a triple asterisk in my cookbook.

Onto the recipe (which I found on WholeFoodsMarket.com)!

Ingredients:

• 6 1/2 cups low-sodium vegetable broth
• 1 large leek sliced, white and light green parts only
• 2 medium Yukon gold potatoes, peeled and cut into 1-inch pieces
• 1 lb asparagus, woody stems snapped off and discarded, spears cut into 1-inch pieces
• 2 cups coarsely chopped broccoli florets
• 2 tablespoons chopped fresh chives

Directions:

1. Heat 1/2 cup vegetable broth in a large pot over medium-high heat.
2. Reduce heat to medium. Add leeks and cook until tender, approximately 6 minutes, stirring often.
3. Add remaining broth and potatoes and bring to a boil.
4. Add asparagus and broccoli and return to a boil.
5. Reduce heat to medium-low and simmer gently until vegetables are tender, approximately 15 to 20 minutes.
6. Remove pot from heat and set aside to let cool slightly.
7. Carefully transfer to a blender and purée in batches until smooth.
8. Ladle soup into bowl, garnish with chives. Serve and enjoy.

NOTE: Although the recipe didn't specify, I covered my pot while cooking because I didn't want any of the flavors to escape. Also, I let my soup sit for approximately 7 minutes before I transferred everything into the blender. You want to enjoy this soup, not have it burn your face.

RE: strangers, again.

Two bloggers that I follow posted this video, so I felt compelled to re-blog it.


As much as I liked watching this, there were a few things that I had to comment on and a few things that weren't discussed.

This video was addressing relationships that unfortunately didn't make it to forever. My issue was how the narrator Josh idealized the girl and the relationship in what he described as Stage Two. There is no such thing as a perfect partner nor a perfect relationship. Once you succumb to that fairy-tale fallacy, reality will inevitably kick in and kick your ass, and you'll be left with disappointment and despair. It's not fair to yourself nor to the person you're in a relationship with to place him/her on such a shiny pedestal. We all have our flaws, and trying to heavily conceal those specks of imperfection will only result in a bumpy foundation- that also goes for makeup, but that's another day, another blog. Yes- it's important to embrace the amazing, beautiful qualities of your partner, but it's also important to acknowledge the ugly aspects too.

That spills over into what was described as Stage Four: Comfortable. A lot of people think that this stage of the relationship is the worst, but I think it's the best stage. There's nothing wrong with being comfortable with someone you're in a long-term relationship with. In fact, it's such a nice break from the "Honeymoon Stage" where you're slowly starting to figure one another out. The "Comfortable Stage" is my favorite part, because there's no more of the need to try so extremely hard; in fact, I don't think there should ever be a need to try so extremely hard for someone, but again that's another day, another blog. If you know how to properly handle this stage, there won't be any other "stages" that your relationship can delve into. As a matter of fact, let's just call this the "Unconditional Stage." This is the point of your relationship where you've accepted the minuscule ugly characteristics of your partner because you know that in the end, it doesn't even matter; and it's also because you've realized that he/she has decided that all your ugliness ain't even that bad too.

If people stopped dreading the "Comfortable Stage" and instead started acknowledging it as the "Unconditional Stage," then there wouldn't be the depressing stage where you're sitting alone in your room sifting through a shoebox of old pictures, love notes, and memories. As glamorous as the "Honeymoon Stage" is, it's unrealistic to try and keep your relationship stuck in that stage. The beautiful thing about being in a relationship is the growth that you go through, together and separately; therefore, stunting your growth because you're trying to keep everything perfect and new will only result in 808s and heartbreaks.

which one? pick one. this one, classic.

I do what they can't do- I just do me.

Best part of the video? When Dre comes in and pays for everyone's bail. BLAAAAAAAM!

number one.

She's your main chick. No side dish because you've been pushed to the side too many times before, and because she'd chop off your penis and mail it back to you if that were ever the case. But due to your past preferences and the life you had before her, she's not really the only chick in your life. Male companions were never your forte, so you sought refuge in the company of a female.

She's really not the type to share, especially when it comes to being the one who truly knows you inside and out. But everything you tell her, from the intimacies to the conversational jargon, you've also confided to her. She's tried to tell herself that it doesn't faze her, but then she catches sight of the exchanges between you and her and she starts to wear that unflattering shade of green. So time and time again she has to remind herself to take off those green-tinted glasses because she knows how you feel about them.

In her defense, it's your past hidden agenda with her that fills her with unease. It may have been centuries ago, but the memories of your old feelings are still compartmentalized in her mind's rolodex. In particular, it's the memory of when you once wrapped your arms around her, and you gently squeezed onto her because you wanted to be her main squeeze. And then your relationship turned plutonic, yet you still kept her around in what you felt was the second best position: the role of the best friend.

So even though the whole wide world knows she's your lover and your friend, she'll never be able to be your best friend because that spot's been claimed a long time ago, and there will never be a vacancy.

spring cleaning, pt. 1

For the past 2 years, I've tried making it a habit to do bi-annual cleaning, ie. in the spring and in the fall. Not necessarily the type of cleaning where I need to clean every single surface of my house, including the garage door, but the kind where I strip my closets of all the useless crap that's just sitting/hanging around. You might be thinking "Who could possibly do this twice a year?" I can, unfortunately. Before I started doing my bi-annual cleaning, I was using four closets and eight drawers. Yes- four closets and eight drawers. Well technically three closets, because two of them could really combine into one closet, not that it really makes it sound any better. What the heck could I possibly have stored everywhere? A myriad of clothes, purses, and other knick-knacks, plenty of them dating back from high school.

Yeah. I know.

Slowly but surely, I managed to minimize my belongings to three closets, then three and a half closets and six drawers. Then I found myself in a hoarding rut. Until last week. I can now proudly say that I'm only using the two closets in my room (which, if you'll remember, can technically be combined into one regular-sized closet). Woohoo!! I'm still using six drawers, but they're no longer insanely overflowing with clothes, the majority being pajamas.

As tremendous as this feat has been, it is only the beginning. Being able to disband the use of the other two closets has made me realize how insanely materialistic I used to be. I can't remember the last time I bought something other than food or for the purpose of hygiene, and I can count on my fingers and toes the articles of clothing I wear on a daily basis; everything else in my closet is more "for a special occasion" attire. And because I'll be moving to Fresno in August and will have to share a closet and drawers with Stephen, I will have to sift through my closet once again during the summertime.

It used to be a really hard task, but now it's not so bad. Besides- other people can benefit from the things I don't truly care for anymore.

One man's trash is another man's treasure.

Ps. I forgot to take 'before' pictures for comparison, but I think the 5 trash bags will suffice in explaining how ridiculous it was beforehand.

looking at the bigger picture.

On my FB timeline, there has been a lot of commotion about how President Obama doesn't want military personnel receiving pay. Yes- how President Obama, not the government, doesn't want military personnel receiving pay. I found all these repetitive statements very confusing. To throw in a little more confusion, Stephen brought to my attention the proposed government shutdown.

Commence confusion atop confusion and maniacal Google'ing.

After reading articles from the likes of CNN and ABC, my confusion was replaced with shock and dismay. Everyone is so riled up about military personnel not getting paid, but no one's aware nor care about the fact that this government shutdown is due in large part because society doesn't care about its women. We're all pissed off that those who fight for our country won't get monetary acknowledgement, but no one gives a damn that half the population is being sacrificed.

Republicans won't back down because they don't want government funding wasted on abortions. Because that's all Planned Parenthood does, right? Planned Parenthood is just an abortion clinic.

Image taken from Wall Street Journal article

Yeah- save that uneducated argument for someone else, because that shit isn't flying around here.

BIGGER. PICTURE. PEOPLE.

Yes, I know tons of people that are currently serving the military. And yes, it is a shame that they're at risk of not getting paid; money isn't easy to come by, and the possibility of not receiving a paycheck is a big deal. But 1) don't put this all on President Obama's shoulders because 2) unlike some people who are responsible for representing us citizens, President Obama is concerned about our women.

Planned Parenthood isn't one giant abortion conglomerate. Planned Parenthood provides health care to women with low-income. Organizations like Planned Parenthood provide women affordable cancer screenings and prevention, STD testing and treatment, and contraception for the sake of women's reproductive rights.

So please, take a look at the bigger picture and stop directing all your animosity to the wrong direction.

"I wonder why we take from our women, why we rape our women- do we hate our women?
... And since a man can't make one, he has no right to tell a woman when and where to create one."

underneath it all.

There's times when this dress rehearsal seems incomplete.

ex-factor.

The other day, I happened to catch an episode of Sex & the City on TV. It was the one with the topic of threesomes being the overall theme: Charlotte's current boyfriend wanted to have a threesome; Miranda was upset none of the girls announced to have her in their hypothetical threesomes; and neither Samantha nor Carrie were having threesomes per se. Before anyone thinks I'm about to go on about a sexual fantasy- which I personally couldn't fathom doing, but I digress- it was Carrie's situational threesome that I wanted to talk about.

In this episode, Carrie discovers how Mr. Big used to be married, then she began to obsess over his ex-wife.

"So I guess you can't avoid a threesome. Because even if you're the only person in the bed, someone has always been there before you.

...What Mr. Big didn't realize was the past was sleeping right next to me."

This particular scene, which I wish I could find a clip for, hit it home for me.

When I realized I was in love Stephen, something really weird happened. I became really insecure and I began obsessing over a relationship that took place in high school. I wondered about what it was about her that made him fall in love. I wondered about how she used to please him, and if he was making mental comparisons. I wondered why and how they were able to maintain a friendship after their relationship ended. I wondered if a small ounce of him still had feelings for her.

As hard as it is for me to admit, I started looking through old Myspace conversations between them. I started checking her blog, daily. I looked through all of her pictures millions of times. I became that kind of girlfriend, that kind of person. I was drowning in my obsession, and along the way I started hating myself and I became resentful towards him. Even the slightest mention of her name, of her existence, drove me insane. It wasn't a pleasant experience, and I felt tremendously ugly, internally and externally.

Fortunately, I eventually got over it. But watching Carrie put herself in a mental threesome with Mr. Big and his ex-wife... I understood her because I was her at a point in time. If I had met his ex in another context, we probably could've found similarities and could've become friends. But knowing who she was in relation to my man made me hate her, made me want to blow up an entire state, and it made me painstakingly bitter.

With hindsight, I wish I had never traveled down such an internally painful path. Obsessing over an ex-girlfriend/boyfriend does more harm than good, because if you're constantly out looking for a reason to feel loathsome, you'll eventually find it. And an internalized struggle not only affects you and your sanity, but it can also affect your relationship.

Trying to bring the past into the present is a tricky ordeal. On one hand, I feel it's important to know the surface of one's past because it gives more depth to the present. It shows you how a person is now because of what he/she had to deal with before. But on the other hand, it's never a good idea to keep the past in the present. No one and no relationship can fully grow if they're blinding the here and now with the minuscular details of the past.

glee-lo.

I've had this song stuck in my head for the past week. It got to the point where I woke up this morning and my mind's stereo was already playing it.

the road to fresno.

During my spring break, my parents and I went to Fresno in order to peruse the city for a nice apartment for Stephen and I. After 3 days and approximately 11 apartment complexes- some that I still shudder to think about- we finally decided on a seemingly perfect one. To be fair, I use the word seemingly because we won't truly know how much we're in love with the place until after a couple months of living there, ie. we're not trying to ransack all of our eggs into one basket. But I digress.

Once we were back in Vegas and all the excitement of apartment hunting died down, I slowly started to drown in fear. It had been a month since I sent in my transcripts to Fresno, and I hadn't heard anything back, neither acceptance nor rejection. I became increasingly worried in fear that the last week spent apartment hunting, the last year of extensive planning was going to go down the drain because I wasn't going to be accepted to Fresno State.

In order to combat my fears, I maniacally and frantically became addicted to "My Fresno Portal," checking the website at least 5 times a day to see what they had fated me.

After what felt like a million years (2 or 3 days to be honest...), I read the most beautiful thing: Congratulations! You've been conditionally admitted to CSU, Fresno. It almost felt as surreal as when I applied for graduation from CSN. I think I made the entire neighborhood's ears bleed because I was so dumbfounded and ecstatic. A couple days later, Fresno e-mailed my letter of conditional acceptance; then a week later, I received the actual letter.

After attending a 2-year college for nearly 3 years (not including the year I took college courses my junior year in high school), there are truly no words to explain how good it feels to be accepted to a university. Yeah, I went to UNLV for 2 years, but all I did was dick around with my parents' money, taking my education as serious as Lindsay Lohan and rehab.

2 years ago, I finally decided that it was time to take control of the reigns of my future, and it still feels completely far-fetched that all my hard work hasn't been for nothing.

i hope and i pray to keep your precious love.

Calming down from the hip thrusts and body rolls of this morning.



Posts of more substance will be coming; I have quite a few drafts that I have yet to complete. Oh, school- why must you be such a high priority?

protecting my assets.

boom boom all up in ya system.

Lip lickin' get it girrrl face. Arms in the air, fingers interlaced. Body rollin', body checkin'. Hands on hips, pelvis thrustin'. Body roll, body roll, body roll.

Maybe a hand on a knee with the booty bangin' every now and then. Most likely.

Driving to school on this beautiful Monday morning, and I popped in a little red CD that was sitting in the back of my CD case. And just like that, my car became a time traveling machine and I was sippin' on the bittersweet days of 2007 - 2008.











Lemme stop now, because I could probably go on forever, and it's already taken me 15 minutes to post this because I had to listen to every song first.

I lied. 30 minutes.

bean tacos with mango salsa.

I have been craving Mexican food for the past month, and for some reason I hadn't been able to get around to satisfying my craving (even though I live near 5 Mexican restaurants, off the top of my head). I finally made the decision yesterday that I was going to surrender to my craving and just make something myself... even though I didn't get around to doing so until today... Hm.

I've been trying to cut meat back from my diet, but I can't recall ever having a taco without ground beef/pork/turkey or fried fish in it. I've probably seen it on menus, but I was probably unimpressed because I was under the impression that a taco wasn't a taco unless it looked like it came from Taco Bell-- I'm kinda upset that I just admitted that.

Then I came across a new favorite food blog, The Tomato Tart, and the author Sabrina had a recipe called Sweet Potato Tacos in which she forwent using ground meat and substituted it with mashed up beans. Lightbulb! I felt like she wrote this knowing I had a spare can of beans in my cupboard (even though this was posted a week ago). I had cannellini beans instead of black beans, but I thought What the hey! Beans are beans. And as the title of the recipe implies, she made sweet potatoes the star ingredient of her tacos, but I wanted mine to put my leftover mangoes center stage since I was still obsessed with yesterday's mango and pine nut salad (which also made use of the cannellini beans! Super!!). But since I didn't want to investigate the hypothesis of fried mangoes, I decided to look up a simple recipe for mango salsa.

And voila! Bean tacos with mango salsa.

If you were to look at the original recipes, you'll also notice I altered a couple of other things simply because I was trying to work with what I already had in my kitchen. For example: 1) instead of using a teaspoon each of smoked paprika and cumin, I ended up using 2 teaspoons of cumin, 2) I used a yellow onion instead of a red one, 3) lemon juice instead of lime, although it felt like a sin, 4) and I put olive oil into the mango salsa mixture because I thought I read that...

On to the recipe!

Don't the beans kinda look like ground meat?

Ingredients:

• 1 mango, diced
• 1/2 medium-sized onion, finely chopped
• 3 tbsp fresh cilantro leaves, chopped
• 3 tbsp fresh lemon juice
• 1 tbsp extra virgin olive oil + small amount to coat tortillas
• 1 tbsp butter
• 15 oz can cannellini beans
• 2 tsp cumin
• Salt and pepper to taste
• 4 corn tortillas
• Small bowl of water

Directions:

1. Preheat oven to 350 degrees Fahrenheit.
2. In a small bowl, combine the mango, onion, cilantro, lemon juice, and olive oil. Add in salt and pepper to taste, then set aside.
3. In a small pot over medium heat, melt butter. Once butter has melted, add beans and cumin. Mash 2/3 beans with a potato masher, fork, or wooden spoon. Add salt and pepper to taste. Once beans are heated through, turn the heat to low and cover.
4. Dunk the tortillas in a bowl of water then rub with a little bit of olive oil. Place each tortilla directly onto the oven rack and cook for 30 seconds to 1 minute.
5. Tortilla + beans + mango salsa + enjoy :)

i really wanna go outside and make it light all day.

Good morning, indeed. I feel like I should always start my mornings with this song.

super sonic.

Me: You're super!
Him: You're super lame.
Me: You super suck.
Him: No... YOU super suck.
Me: Hm, I just had the strangest image of me going warpspeed on your penis.

mango and pine nut salad.

I would like to give my compliments to whoever came up with mixing fruit and greens to make a salad, because I definitely wouldn't have had the ingeniousness to have thought of it on my own. I already know what you're going to think when you read the ingredient list: mango and beans?? Yes, mango and beans. Together. In wonderful harmony. I was initially hesitant to try this recipe, but my mom, my niece, and I are glad I did.

I found this recipe from Women's Health Magazine's website. Well I actually found it in my inbox because I'm subscribed to them, but same smell. Like any foodie will tell you, unless you're baking, it's not super important to stick with a recipe's directed ingredient amount. If you don't like beans, you can make this salad with less or omit them altogether. Want more mangoes? Pile 'em on! The only part I paid close attention to was the amounts given to make the mango vinaigrette- yes, mango vinaigrette. In my opinion, everything else is up to you and how you want it to taste. Oh, and instead of using scallions I used green onions because, to be honest, I don't know what scallions are and I couldn't find them at the grocery store...

On to the recipe!

Ingredients:
For the vinaigrette

• 1/4 cup chopped mangoes
• 1/3 cup fresh orange juice
• 2 tbsp olive oil
• 2 tsp grainy dijon mustard
• Salt and pepper to taste

For the salad

• 1 3/4 cups chopped mangoes
• 4 cups shredded romaine lettuce
• 1 cup finely shredded red cabbage
• 1 cup thinly sliced scallions
• 15 oz can cannellini beans, rinsed and drained
• 1/4 cup raw or toasted pine nuts

Directions:

1. In a mini chopper or blender, puree the mangoes, OJ, oilve oil, mustard, and salt and pepper.
2. In a large bowl, combine the mangoes, lettuce, cabbage, scallions (or green onions, whatevs), beans and pine nuts. Toss gently. Add vinaigrette and toss before serving.
3. Makes four servings.

And here's the website for the recipe :)

Enjoy!

earth day every day.

Are you counting down the days until Earth Day (April 22)? Neither am I.

I wouldn't call myself an environmentalist or a tree hugger. I'm not out there advocating the ills of greenhouse gases and carbon dioxide emissions. I just recently started cutting back meat from my diet, but I won't ransack you if you're eating a juicy, tender prime rib-- to be honest, I might ask you for a slice. And I've already mentioned that I smoke cigarettes (even though I'm also trying to cut back on that), so there goes that.

However, when I purchased my Netflix account, I went on a documentary film binge, and my favorites so far include Dirt and Food Inc. I had tweeted how life-changing these films are because it's definitely eye-opening to see how detrimental our individual actions are to ourselves and our environment, regardless of whether or not you care to acknowledge that. It's surprising when you find out how food is treated and processed before it winds up in your kitchen and in your stomach; how much trash we accumulate every single day and where it ends up once it's out of sight, out of mind; how hunger isn't merely a problem in "third world countries" but in our own backyard as well. Life. Changing.

So while I was catching up on my blog roll, the Whole Foods blog mentioned the Do Something Reel Film Festival. Throughout the month of April, more than 70 cities have the opportunity to watch a collection of six documentary films with a common theme of making a difference. Unfortunately, none of them are screening in Vegas- wahhhh! But the websites for each film give me an opportunity to purchase the DVDs for my own personal enjoyment.

I've included the trailers and links for four of the trailers I wish to watch.

Whether you're an extreme environmentalist, don't really care, or have the desire to make a small difference, I think the Do Something Reel Film Festival offers a little something for everyone.


Bag It!
Bag It Intro from Suzan Beraza on Vimeo.

Lunch Line
Lunch Line Trailer from uji films on Vimeo.

PLANEAT
Planeat The Movie Trailer from planeat.co.uk on Vimeo.

Urban Roots
Urban Roots Trailer from Tree Media on Vimeo.

be my prisoner for the night.

There's something about this song that makes me wanna throw on a poofy dress, find an isolated field of flowers, and just twirl for 4 minutes. But for now, dancing around my room like a maniac while I clean out my closet will have to suffice.

the first is for lovers.

We're gay enough to verbally celebrate our monthsaries as if we were back in middle school. Who does that anymore? In my opinion, love should always be celebrated-- daily, weekly, monthly, annually, every thirteenth week. The fact that we're able to gayly tell one another "Happy first of the month!" is merely a minor testament to our love. I'm sure a lot of people had doubts we'd even see a year, so each day is practically a minor testament to our love.

So here's to us. 2 years, 3 months, and forever more to go.

allow me to re-introduce myself.

As I was restlessly laying awake last night from midnight to what felt like forever, I started thinking about a lot of things. My thoughts initially gravitated towards the idea of ripping my eyelids off because they were inexplicably dry and itchy, but then my thoughts started going off into multiple tangents. The one that stuck the most was inspired by a lecture I attended the other night. It was about the cost and effects of socialization, but an important part of discussion revolved around a person's self identity versus his or her social identity. In short, who we define ourselves to be often comes into conflict with what society wants us to be. For women, we have continuously been told how we should monitor our gendered actions. Women are supposed to be shy, modest, coy, pure, and innocent. We're expected to be emotional creatures. We should be strict when it comes to maintaining our charm, our wit, our good looks. We have to be supportive of our families and our men. We're supposed to be the Mary's, not the Madonna's.

Those who know me best know that I'm far from being all of those things. But at the same time, most don't truly know all of me, just the parts that I feel are appropriate for our relationship. But sometimes it gets exhausting remembering which role I'm trying to play for each specific individual.

So hi- I'm Celestine. I'm going to school to be an elementary school teacher, grade undecided. I'm a daughter, a sister, a niece, a granddaughter, an aunt, and a girlfriend. I say "No thank you, ____" rather than a straight-up "No." I'll hold a door open if I see you coming right behind me. I don't like to drive over the speed limit. I'm a nice girl, a shy girl.

I also have three tattoos for now, and I plan on getting many more when I'm adequately funded. I used to smoke blunts and not give a fuck. I'm trying to quit smoking, but sometimes shit's just necessary. And I like to talk about sex because I'm a sexual being.

This is who I am, no safeguard. Take it, leave it, love it, hand it off to someone else.

I'm still writing on my other blog, but this one's more for me to truly show all ya'll strangers who I really am. No, not an alter ego blog; a blog for an unaltered ego.