It is almost 4:30 in the morning, and I find myself wide awake. This case of insomnia was triggered by hunger and having to pee really, really bad, and also because I was heavily contemplating my future before I tried sleeping nearly 4 hours ago. Note to self: Stop trying to plan the future before bedtime!
This sudden need to have a self-discussion regarding life was brought on by Monday's visit to Fresno State for Dog Days, the new student orientation. Pre Dog Day, I was set on changing my major from Women's Studies to Liberal Studies so that I can become an elementary teacher after graduating; then after a couple years of teaching here in the U.S., I wanted to become a DoDDS teacher and live happily ever after back in Yokosuka with Stephen and our little family. Post Dog Day? The elementary teaching ship has sailed, and I want to explore the vast career options that a degree in Women's Studies can open up. Exactly how many doors will a Women's Studies degree open up? Too many for my insatiable head to simply choose just one. And unfortunately, the Women's Studies adviser was unable to be there during Dog Days, so all the questions that are currently flooding my head won't be answered until I move to Fresno- and that's in 4 days!
As I have continuously bitched and moaned to Stephen- poor guy- I am the worst person to have fallen in love with such a broad-ranged major. I will say that I have narrowed my interests to 3 categories: education, social work, and public policy. I still want to teach, but I'd rather save teaching for later; after I'm finished with whatever primary career I choose, I want to teach at a college or university and hopefully passionately inspire someone to consider entering the realm of Women's Studies, the same way my teachers have done. But before that? Social work or public policy. I'm still unsure of which path to take, but that's what my time at Fresno State is for, right? I've also started looking at grad schools and internships, and all the possibilities have rekindled my love for Women's Studies.
Although my head is currently soaring through the clouds of the future, I have remember to keep my feet planted in the here-and-now.
First the move. Then Fall 2011. One step at a time.
I will end this post by saying that I'm grateful for attending Dog Days. My last semester at CSN- along with these past couple of months- really whooped my ass, and I was beginning to lose focus and determination. But after going to Dog Days, after listening to the speeches made by advisers, orientation leaders, and the Assistant Dean of the College of Social Sciences, I have been reconnected with perseverance.
And maybe now I can try getting some sleep.
29 June 2011
23 June 2011
the power of one.
The fear of being lonely is such a powerful thing. It causes people to behave irrationally, to naively stay in an abusive relationship, whether that abuse is emotional and/or physical. Sometimes it'll even drive the people involved in a dysfunctional relationship to fix their problems by getting married and/or having a baby together. Sure, it may temporarily bond the two of you back together, artificially. But when you take a moment to dissect the situation, you'll realize that the insides are still deeply wounded and bruised.
So what next? Maybe you'll have another kid. Maybe you'll drown yourself underneath the facade that everything is fine and dandy. Maybe you'll find an outlet for your emotional desperation with someone else, even though you're still in your unhappy relationship.
You'll probably try shrugging the situation off by claiming that you two are better now, that you've worked out your issues and are head-over-heels in love again like before. And, again, maybe everything is better and back to normal. For now. And then the curtains are drawn back and you realize that shit hit the fan a long, long time ago.
But will you leave? Probably not. Because the fear of being lonely is such a powerful thing.
So what next? Maybe you'll have another kid. Maybe you'll drown yourself underneath the facade that everything is fine and dandy. Maybe you'll find an outlet for your emotional desperation with someone else, even though you're still in your unhappy relationship.
You'll probably try shrugging the situation off by claiming that you two are better now, that you've worked out your issues and are head-over-heels in love again like before. And, again, maybe everything is better and back to normal. For now. And then the curtains are drawn back and you realize that shit hit the fan a long, long time ago.
But will you leave? Probably not. Because the fear of being lonely is such a powerful thing.
22 June 2011
dreams don't keep the lights on.
If someone had asked me three years ago what my type was, I would've grinned and coyly replied that I didn't have one. Although I may not have had a single type per se, I definitely gravitated to a certain demographic. Then when Stephen and I started dating, a lot of people were caught off-guard because I appeared to have stepped outside of my cliché dating box. And yenno what? Praise Ganesha for that!
Aside from the physical traits that my type possessed pre-Stephen, in essence they all shared one common thing: they lacked goals. Sure they had big dreams of doing this, that, and this, but they weren't trying to manifest their dreams into a tangible reality. Most of them weren't going to school and were hustling in low-end jobs that they absolutely hated. And their dreams? They wanted the money, the cars, and the clothes, and I suppose the hoes. They wanted to live the cliché ideal good life, but they didn't wanna put in any work. They wanted to wife up a real good girl eventually, but in the meantime they were content with fooling around with a handful of sloppy broads. There was no future with any of them because they were too busy fucking around with the present.
At the time it didn't really matter to me because I also didn't know what I wanted to do with my life. But when I finally found myself and found direction in my life, I stopped wasting my time with dudes who were running around aimlessly.
I want a salary and a mortgage. I want a family. I want to be able to feed my family. I want to be able to afford most of the things my kids want. I want to live comfortably. And none of those things were going to be possible if I was head-over-heels with someone who was content with working at KFC with just a GED to his name.
Like Abi from Girls are the New Boys has repeatedly said, there is nothing sexier than someone who dreams big and is also working hard to achieve those dreams.
Aside from the physical traits that my type possessed pre-Stephen, in essence they all shared one common thing: they lacked goals. Sure they had big dreams of doing this, that, and this, but they weren't trying to manifest their dreams into a tangible reality. Most of them weren't going to school and were hustling in low-end jobs that they absolutely hated. And their dreams? They wanted the money, the cars, and the clothes, and I suppose the hoes. They wanted to live the cliché ideal good life, but they didn't wanna put in any work. They wanted to wife up a real good girl eventually, but in the meantime they were content with fooling around with a handful of sloppy broads. There was no future with any of them because they were too busy fucking around with the present.
At the time it didn't really matter to me because I also didn't know what I wanted to do with my life. But when I finally found myself and found direction in my life, I stopped wasting my time with dudes who were running around aimlessly.
I want a salary and a mortgage. I want a family. I want to be able to feed my family. I want to be able to afford most of the things my kids want. I want to live comfortably. And none of those things were going to be possible if I was head-over-heels with someone who was content with working at KFC with just a GED to his name.
Like Abi from Girls are the New Boys has repeatedly said, there is nothing sexier than someone who dreams big and is also working hard to achieve those dreams.
13 June 2011
sensual eating.
When I was younger, I used to not eat; and if I was eating, it's because I was stuffing my face with candy. Not only did I end up having more cavities than I'd like to admit, I was pretty unhealthy now that I look back on it. Fast forward to 2003 when my family and I moved to Vegas, I discovered the joys of eating and had eaten anything and everything. A little better than my semi-anorexia, but still unhealthy. Now that I'm a little older and a little more wiser, I've found the joy in eating appropriate portions of food that not only taste good but are good for me.
And then my staycation happened, and every meal during this past weekend left me feeling horrible and extremely tired. After feeling tired of feeling tired after every meal, I decided to try what I like to call "sensual eating." Yesterday morning, my parents and I had brunch at Brio. Since I decided to get back to my flexitarian diet, I ordered the spinach and portobello mushroom strata with a side of fresh, spring green salad. All the ingredients were healthy, so that made me feel good about my choice. While eating, I felt the need to really enjoy what I was eating. I don't know about you, but so often do I just fork my food into my mouth without really enjoying it. Even though you know the food tastes good, how often do think about each taste while you're eating? Well that's what I decided to do. I pretended to be Giada De Laurentiis, having foodgasms with each bite, or like Remy from Ratatouille when he's eating the cheese and grapes and imagining fireworks and music. I don't know if it was the food itself or my sensual eating, but I didn't feel the slightest bit of remorse or exhaustion when I was done eating, and I ate the entire thing.
Every meal after that, I put my sensual eating theory to work, and each meal thus far has been extremely delicious and pleasantly satisfying. It's nice to not have a case of the itis nor not feel the need to unbutton your pants after every meal.
And then my staycation happened, and every meal during this past weekend left me feeling horrible and extremely tired. After feeling tired of feeling tired after every meal, I decided to try what I like to call "sensual eating." Yesterday morning, my parents and I had brunch at Brio. Since I decided to get back to my flexitarian diet, I ordered the spinach and portobello mushroom strata with a side of fresh, spring green salad. All the ingredients were healthy, so that made me feel good about my choice. While eating, I felt the need to really enjoy what I was eating. I don't know about you, but so often do I just fork my food into my mouth without really enjoying it. Even though you know the food tastes good, how often do think about each taste while you're eating? Well that's what I decided to do. I pretended to be Giada De Laurentiis, having foodgasms with each bite, or like Remy from Ratatouille when he's eating the cheese and grapes and imagining fireworks and music. I don't know if it was the food itself or my sensual eating, but I didn't feel the slightest bit of remorse or exhaustion when I was done eating, and I ate the entire thing.
Every meal after that, I put my sensual eating theory to work, and each meal thus far has been extremely delicious and pleasantly satisfying. It's nice to not have a case of the itis nor not feel the need to unbutton your pants after every meal.
11 June 2011
staycation.
When school let out a month ago, I thought to myself, "Finally! A much needed break with a bunch of free time to do absolutely NOTHING." That has definitely not been the case. From packing up the bunch of crap my family has accumulated throughout 8 years, to going out of town almost every weekend, to running petty errands every day- I think I had more free time while the semester was still in session.
But ever since Thursday night, I have finally been able to enjoy my summer. My parents received a comped room at the Bellagio and I am basking in my staycation. As a Vegas resident for nearly 8 years, I tend to stay away from The Strip at all costs unless visitors are in town, but acting like a tourist this weekend has been good to my soul. I'm also enjoying it more with the knowledge that after Sunday all the madness will begin. But until then, c'est la vie.
Workin' so hard every night and day, now we get the payback.
But ever since Thursday night, I have finally been able to enjoy my summer. My parents received a comped room at the Bellagio and I am basking in my staycation. As a Vegas resident for nearly 8 years, I tend to stay away from The Strip at all costs unless visitors are in town, but acting like a tourist this weekend has been good to my soul. I'm also enjoying it more with the knowledge that after Sunday all the madness will begin. But until then, c'est la vie.
Workin' so hard every night and day, now we get the payback.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)