ex-factor.

The other day, I happened to catch an episode of Sex & the City on TV. It was the one with the topic of threesomes being the overall theme: Charlotte's current boyfriend wanted to have a threesome; Miranda was upset none of the girls announced to have her in their hypothetical threesomes; and neither Samantha nor Carrie were having threesomes per se. Before anyone thinks I'm about to go on about a sexual fantasy- which I personally couldn't fathom doing, but I digress- it was Carrie's situational threesome that I wanted to talk about.

In this episode, Carrie discovers how Mr. Big used to be married, then she began to obsess over his ex-wife.

"So I guess you can't avoid a threesome. Because even if you're the only person in the bed, someone has always been there before you.

...What Mr. Big didn't realize was the past was sleeping right next to me."

This particular scene, which I wish I could find a clip for, hit it home for me.

When I realized I was in love Stephen, something really weird happened. I became really insecure and I began obsessing over a relationship that took place in high school. I wondered about what it was about her that made him fall in love. I wondered about how she used to please him, and if he was making mental comparisons. I wondered why and how they were able to maintain a friendship after their relationship ended. I wondered if a small ounce of him still had feelings for her.

As hard as it is for me to admit, I started looking through old Myspace conversations between them. I started checking her blog, daily. I looked through all of her pictures millions of times. I became that kind of girlfriend, that kind of person. I was drowning in my obsession, and along the way I started hating myself and I became resentful towards him. Even the slightest mention of her name, of her existence, drove me insane. It wasn't a pleasant experience, and I felt tremendously ugly, internally and externally.

Fortunately, I eventually got over it. But watching Carrie put herself in a mental threesome with Mr. Big and his ex-wife... I understood her because I was her at a point in time. If I had met his ex in another context, we probably could've found similarities and could've become friends. But knowing who she was in relation to my man made me hate her, made me want to blow up an entire state, and it made me painstakingly bitter.

With hindsight, I wish I had never traveled down such an internally painful path. Obsessing over an ex-girlfriend/boyfriend does more harm than good, because if you're constantly out looking for a reason to feel loathsome, you'll eventually find it. And an internalized struggle not only affects you and your sanity, but it can also affect your relationship.

Trying to bring the past into the present is a tricky ordeal. On one hand, I feel it's important to know the surface of one's past because it gives more depth to the present. It shows you how a person is now because of what he/she had to deal with before. But on the other hand, it's never a good idea to keep the past in the present. No one and no relationship can fully grow if they're blinding the here and now with the minuscular details of the past.